sallyfuckingride | [for neil]

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neil

[for neil]

A week isn't that long to go without hearing from someone. Shit, I forget to check my phone for that long, too. I keep it with me when I go out, not just for Joel reasons. Darrow's fucked up.

For Neil and me, a week's a long time. He'll deny it, but I think he's keeping a closer eye on us since the Purge. He got so pissed at Joel, so scared for us both -- and then a week of nothing?

If Neil is dead, I'm going to kick his ass.

Every day after school, I go to the gas station for a snack. It's the best part of the day; my reward for making it through another day of mind-numbing repetition without punching anyone in the face. Today, it is closed. I kick the doorframe in punishment. Gotta find my snack somewhere else.

My quests merge. Instead heading right to go home, I veer left.

Obviously, I try the door first, but it's locked. No cars in the driveway. Gwennie is probably still at school. And I want my fucking snack.

To Neil's credit, the windows are locked. It's not his fault my knife is narrow enough to undo the latch from the outside. I'm inside in minutes, grabbing an apple from his fridge.

"Green one! Nice." I grab a soda, too and lean against the counter. I cross my ankles, since I can. The boot is finally gone.

I'm well into a bowl of cereal by the time the door opens. I'm stuffing my face at the table, and tracing my finger through a maze on the back of the box.

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It was an adventure trudging up the steps with my arms overloaded with bags, proud of myself in a way that was pathetic that I made it without the aid of the rail. Fumbling for my keys, I shouldered my way in through the door, gently nudging a cat aside with my foot and getting it shut behind me.

Tossing my keys on the table by the door, I kicked off my shoes, a habit that I'd picked up while Stan still lived here. Lugging the bags towards the back of the house, I nearly jumped out of my fucking skin when I saw the shape of someone sitting at the breakfast table.

"Holy fuckin' Christ," I hissed, briefly shutting my eyes and drawing in a steeling breath. "What the fuck, Ellie?"

"What?" I reply, mouth full, spoon paused in question at the lip of the bowl. Milk dribbles down my chin; I catch it with my sleeve and swallow. "It's cold out there."

"Remind me to cut you a fuckin' key," I said, dropping one of the bags down on the table, then moving to carry the rest upstairs.

"Just tell me you didn't break a window," I called out, dropping the bags on my bed to be sorted through later.

Around a new spoonful of cereal, I grin. Neil is the fucking best. He's not trying to make everything a lesson. I know if I go too far, he'll rat me out to Joel. Then, life lesson.

Im not so annoyed with Joel, these days. He says dumb shit, sometimes, but he doesn't fight me so hard when I tell him he's being dumb.

"Do you see a broken window?" I call after him. Offended, I murmur to myself, "like I'm a fuckin' amateur." I take an agitated bite of my cereal and chomp on that for a while. It's deafening and I feel a little better, after.

I ask, curious, "where have you been?"

"I didn't check all of 'em," I pointed out as I trudged back down the stairs, biting back a grin at her usual bitching.

At her question, I gestured to the shopping bag I'd left on the kitchen counter, visible from where she sat. Sliding into the chair across from her, I reached across the table for the box of cereal and shoved a dry handful into my mouth.

Then, to answer the question I knew she was really asking, I said, "I broke it off with Bill."

"Oh shit," I reply, brows raising. For a few moments, I inspect him. He doesn't look too busted up about it, but it does explain the radio silence.

"What happened?"

I shrugged helplessly.

"Life?" I said, which was a lame answer, but at the risk of going into details I both didn't want to tell, and she didn't need to hear, it was as close to honest as I could get.

I screw up my face in judgement. "Life? What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?" Even in a world of outsiders, I feel like I'm on the fringes. I don't know what a breakup is like. I don't even know what living in a house feels like. I'm reliant on the context I glean from the people around me. Neil doesn't pause to teach me things like Joel, El or Jyn, but we both know his worldview is one I have a more-than-passing interest in.

"Did he hurt you?" I fucking doubt it, but I figure I can give Neil a place to start, at least.

Edited 2024-12-23 18:54 (UTC)

"Like physically?" I said, scoffing around another mouthful of cereal. Putting the box aside, I dusted crumbs off my hands and said, "Last year, I got on the train without telling him. I went there, thinkin' I might see somebody I'd lost. Somebody I'd been in love with. Shit's been unravelling since."

I don't answer his stupid question. Nobody's gonna be insane enough to attack Neil.

Ah, shit, sometimes I forget Darrow gets a different Joel. A couple of them would probably shit their fucking pants if they met the Joel I first met.

"That sucks," comes my official opinion. I've got compassion for Neil. Can't say Bill and I ever really got there. Why two people would hang on for more than a year after shit got broken is a fucking mystery I'm happy to ignore.

I keep trying to get a definitive read on Neil and I can't get there. "You don't seem heartbroken." In this rare instance, I'm fine being wrong.

I let out another sigh and leaned back in my chair.

"I'm... I don't know. I miss him. I miss havin' him here. I don't... I don't hate him. I'm fuckin'... I'm sad and tired and relieved? It sucks."

But no, I wasn't heartbroken. I'd let him pull away and after that, it had been easy to fall out of love with him– gradually and then maybe all at once. Whatever we'd done to try and fix it was just putting our relationship on life support, and who the fuck wants that?

Finally! Neil's a tough one to crack, but the truth comes out.

And I'm kind of jealous. If only Riley and I were separated by breakup. For a blissful fifteen minutes after we finally kissed, I really believed we'd be together forever. I got sad and tired. Never relieved. It ended the way it ends for everyone back there. Everyone except for me.

Now isn't the time.

"I saw a fucking pillow that said 'don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.' It was the dumbest thing I've ever read. You're gonna feel what you feel."

Barking out a laugh, I said, "Well, shit, now I know what to get you for Christmas."

It was definitely the dumbest thing I'd ever heard, but there was no way I wasn't keeping an eye out for that awful fucking thing.

"He's a really great guy. That's what I kept thinkin', you know? He's this really great guy. I'm lucky. We've got a good thing goin'." I shrugged helplessly.

"You asshole," I laugh, even though I walked right into it.

Huh. I lean in, curious. "What's that mean?" Because I know how I can come off, I add, "I mean it. I don't know what that means. What's a great guy to you?"

"Honestly? I don't know."

I huffed a laugh, amused by her need to pick all of this shit apart.

"He's stubborn. And loyal. He can be a real asshole, but he's kind. And brave. I can trust him. And count on him. Or, I used to think so. He's seemed so... checked out. His friends from home– it's complicated with them. They're all younger than him, here. Barely outta high school. I don't think he knows where he fits, and I can't... I can't figure that out for him."

I can pick out a couple of things that make sense; like I get that Darrow does weird time shit. Bill has his buddies, so does El, I have Joel. Why does Neil have anyone here from home? Maybe he did and they disappeared. I guess Larita is here by herself, too.

Man, this place is random as fuck.

"Doesn't sound so great to me." Honestly, I never got to know Bill real well. There's nothing wrong with him. He didn't take an interest in me and I didn't take one in him. I only care because Neil does.

I shrugged.

"Well, I broke up with him, didn't I?" I pointed out, one corner of my mouth curved in a humorless smile.

"Haven't told Joel. So, you can't give me shit for not tellin' you first," I teased her, my shoe knocking into hers under the table.

There he is. Neil would die in our world, but he's got enough grit and eat-my-shit energy that he'd make it at least a few days.

It's funny how it kinda feels like Neil's always been around. A brief flicker of a smile tugs at a corner of my lips before I lean back in my chair, arms crossed.

"You want me to bake you a cake? I had to climb in through your fucking window to find out."

"You could've picked up the fucking phone. Texts work just as good as a B&E, I've heard," I pointed out, matching that smirk of hers with one of my own.

"You bake me a cake, I guarantee you I'm not eating it."

"What's a text?" That smirk spreads into a grin, as shit-eating as any other. You would not believe the shit I get away with in Darrow, most people none the wiser. Neil knows my game. And he still lets me get away with it.

Honestly, it means a lot. But I already told him once, so he's not gonna hear it again.

"I guess that means you're free to pursue whoever you want."

"Shut up," I laughed, reaching into the box and throwing a piece of cereal at her.

"Pursue whoever I want? Jesus," I said, giving her a look. "What's that supposed to mean."

It takes a loud drag of the chair across the floor as I push my feet to meet the projectile's trajectory, but I manage. Never met a snack I couldn't catch in my mouth. I grin around the satisfying crunch.

I'm not convinced Joel ever had friends before. If he did, maybe they sat as close to each other as he and Neil do, but I doubt it.

This is another one of the many unnamed things between Joel and me. He's good at having a gay kid, but how well would he manage gay panic?

It's just an inkling at this point. A vibe is what some of my classmates might say.

"It means what I said. Find a new step-dad for Gwennie or don't. Just don't settle."

Laughing as she made a production of catching the piece of cereal in her mouth, I rolled my eyes at her, but mostly, I saw the good intentions in what she was saying.

"She and Bill never really connected," I admitted with a rueful smile. "It was one of those things that got under my skin."

I never would've made her an excuse for why we broke up, but from now on, she had to factor into everything I did. It was unsurprising that Ellie would get right to the heart of that.

Edited 2025-02-28 17:59 (UTC)

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